The following is an essay by Servus Tertius.
Servus Tertius of course is the great philosopher best known for his little catch phrases such as “The nose knows, but when it smells that bad, why would you be interested?” and “Who cares why chickens do what they do? They just get run over.” I have for a long time been part of a society dedicated to unearthing and preserving the works of this prolific writing (whatever else can be said about him, he was prolific (we later found out that he thought the more he wrote the more chance something good would come out (obviously that didn’t work))). We are called the Society for Finding and Preserving the Works of Servus Tertius Since Noone Else Wanted to do it and We Felt it was a Good Way to Pass the Time Because We All Need Something for Time Passing, or SFFPWSTSNEWTDWFWGWPTBWANSTP. (Check out our website. We’re planning on having one in twenty years or so.)
Everything in brackets is an explanation by me to help the reader better understand Roman culture.
So without further ado, Servus Tertius’ excellent essay on the domestication of animals.
There seems to be a lot of discussion today about the domestication of animals. It seems this would be worth a lot of money to the food industry, but some people are afraid that doing so would ultimately ruin these animals. Some even say it would make them less tasty. I for one wonder how much they have to be domesticated. Do you just have to put them in a cage or tie them up to domesticate them? If that’s the case, all food is domesticated. Other people feel that it just means the animals are “tame,” or that they won’t pull on their ropes or try to escape, and that you can control them. If that’s the case, neither my dog nor my cat is domesticated. Actually, under that definition, food is more domesticated then my pets, which would mean there isn’t a problem.
But there is. Some people say that domesticated animals provide more food, which in my opinion would be really great, but a small radical group of outcasts feels it would impinge on animals rights. What rights? Animals are either food or pets, or in the case of my dogs both. They are meant to serve and entertain and sometimes brutally maim humans. They are beasts of burden, beasts of war, and teachers to small children. They are gladiators, slaves and executioners. They have no more rights than the common soldier or paedagogus. [A paedagogus was a slave whose job was walking children of rich families to and from school. They were usually smarter than the average slave, but still had just about as many rights] You give them shelter and food, and they serve you until it’s time to set them free. That’s how it works.
But to give these “animal rights” jerks the benefit of the doubt, I’ll pretend that animals do in fact have “rights” before they are slaughtered mercilessly to provide for our nourishment. First off, we need to determine exactly what “rights” these “animals” might “have.” Do they have a right to shelter, a right to own slaves or pets? (in some cases you might be able to do both with one person) Do they have a right to protest, or if they don’t can we murder them in the streets when they do? These are the questions that need to be answered. Are animals human? I’m sure we can all agree the answer is “no.” So what would they need to make them human, and if they are human, how will we eat? Will they legalize cannibalism? Are we already cannibals? Do the gods hate us? There’s just too much to think about.
So I think the consensus is: eating animals = good. I rest my case because this essay is making me hungry and I hear they are having a special on rotted rabbit carcasses in the marketplace. [Rotting meat was actually considered a delicacy back then. It added to the flavor and health codes hadn’t been invented yet. Some vendors would leave meat out so it would be just a little rotted getting the right amount of fungus required expertise, I’m sure.]
This is indeed a huge discovery. We will continue to search for more writings and will try to get them out to you whenever we find them.